As the UK gears up for a Christmas that promises to break all records for sex toy sales thanks to the proliferation of friends buying sex toys for friends, it seems a town in Italy is having a rather different reaction.
Recently, an adult retailer installed a sex toy vending machine in a train station in the little Northern town of Casarsa, previous only famous for a poet no one’s ever heard of and a type of wine no one ever buys. This is it:
Predictably but bafflingly, local parents are organising a protest to have the vending machine removed. But, as you might expect, I don’t understand their objection at all.
“It is a disgrace,” said Maria Tutanella, a local mother-of-three. “My son saw it and pointed at a huge sex toy and said: ‘Mama, what is that?’ It was a huge black dildo.”
Wait, why is it a disgrace? Because your son noticed it? Why are you offended? So a small business with an innovative idea can’t offer its products and any potential customers who are too shy to go to a sex shop will be prevented from pleasure because you don’t want to talk to your shitty kid for 30 seconds? I don’t think that’s a good enough reason for a protest. Either speak to your stupid child honestly, or don’t, but it seems fair to say the vending machine is not the real problem here.
Spake another parent: “I agree with the condoms vending machine, condoms help to prevent sexual transmissible diseases and it’s right that our children can use them. But sex toys are too much for me.”
Whoa… who fuckin’ died and made you the moral arbiter of all human sexuality? Don’t worry everyone, the condoms are fine by this random Italian woman. You can continue distributing them in Africa. It’s just the sex toys that are too much for her. Phew!
Honestly, what is the point of protesting about a vending machine? Sure, even I get pissed off when I put my money in and my salt and vinegar Hula Hoops don’t fall, but I’m not going to start picketing it. Although actually, imagine how mental you’d look furtively and discreetly trying to shake a huge black dildo out of a vending machine at a train station. And who buys dildos from a fucking train station anyway? I always used to think Tie Rack was a strange idea – but this is WAY crazier.
If you’re going to protest anything, protest the naff toys they’re offering. Look at all those purples, all that jelly, those awful 90’s-style boxes and that old-fashioned clamshell packaging. I’d protest that. “Down with this sort of thing”. “Careful now”.
Here’s a quote from the vending machine company’s spokesman. For added fun, read it in an Italian accent. “We agree to take off the machine if also other cities where we positioned the same machine will ask us. But for the moment Casarsa is the only city to protest for this.”
Shortly after this quote was taken, the Italian spokesman undid the top three buttons of his shirt, drank a bottle of Casarsa pinot grigio, and crashed a large cruise ship into an island.
Ciao.
